Today...somehow...I feel like I haven't really accomplished anything. I've come to realize that I'm obsessed with the feeling of accomplishment--I'm a goal-oriented person. I have to have a mission. And accomplishment is the yardstick by which I measure my days. Perhaps I shouldn't be that way. I don't think I'm being too harsh on myself. Perhaps I feel lacking, so often, because I don't apply myself enough. I am such a hopeful person--it keeps me going--but those bouts of optimism are but a lifeline from always feeling stuck in a sort of limbo.
I am surrounded by so many blessings, but sometimes I feel stuck in limbo, with a road that I don't see leading to the future.
And I think that stinks. I find myself always asking, "Am I doing what the Lord intends me to fill my days with? Am I just supposed to be enjoying the day, just doing...things I've been doing for the past decade? Am I just being selfish, wanting to move forward, wanting to have my own place, just move into my own life? Am I being ungrateful? Do I know what I need to be doing with my life? I'm very aware of time. I feel like it's slipping by so fast, and that sometimes I'm going to miss it.
I'm not sure, but I don't think so--not entirely. These are simple things. I'm in a position that makes it hard to get what I want. I have no idea how things are going to happen. But life itself is a mysterious miracle, so I can make no predictions. I can only hope and pray hard, working at what little I do know how to do, hoping that some way it will come to something in the future. I have so many days where I feel like I can bash my head into the wall though. I just feel like I'm going insane. It's amazing that people, including myself, can be so incredibly jolly, and reverse into this moodiness that never seems far away. Have so much hope, but have trouble with faith. So full of laughter, yet full of screaming too. Humanity is an amazing race. Our nature and possibilities are endless...our passions apparently have no end. We are simultaneously capable of many extremes.
A good example of one of my many blessings: yesterday. The family and I celebrated my b-day. My mom even made a special cake. Very yum--but extremely filling. Unbelievably so. Had the last of it last night. Still woke up hungry though--but that's not a surprise. I chose a Chocolate Silk Cake from my Taste of Home cookbook, and Dutch Chocolate ice cream. It was awesome. And dinner was great--buffalo chicken sandwiches, coleslaw, and fries. With my favorite root beer. But I think the best part of the day was when I played with my siblings. We are such a crazy, noisy, full of life bunch. I am so blessed. Yesterday was wonderful. Days like these are the best to remember--we get to live these days where we are in the moment of the things we love. They help us to keep looking forward with hope, having the strength of that which we love with us.
I just used this picture because I love the expression in it. I found it when looking up Loretta Young. I know nothing about her actually--it was just a moment's study--but this picture I found very potent and beautiful.;)
I'm hoping that I will be able to make something of my life. I want to inspire others, be the best friend and human being that I can. One can ask no more really--and can not be disappointed, looking back at the end of your life, whenever that my be.
I also hope that this poetry collection that I'm putting together will mean something to someone, at least, other than myself. I can't really say if it's great poetry. It's just what I mean to say, in the words I manage to find. I have so much hope, such a love for life. I live in a turmoil of being so in awe of the beauty of the world, to turning into myself, shutting the door. I think if someone landed on the landscape of my soul, they would find many different vistas, all caught up in a storm where the sunlight can be as blinding as the darkness can be dark. But that is the human soul--a mysterious canvas of utter passion, in all its forms and shades.
What do you do on days like that?
~Miss Cocoa Latte
P.S. Just as an update, I haven't gotten any jobs yet. Still looking! Target already said no. Boo. I like their jewelry section. And from what I read, employees get a store discount. ;)